I love today’s guest blog by author/relationship expert Debi Berndt, who isn’t afraid to get deep when it comes to the reasons you may be single, even if you are longing for a relationship. Sometimes it really is about looking inward…
Do you keep attracting the non-committal man or woman? You can see a pattern, but feel like the cause is outside of you. You blame your love problems on online dating or the city that you live in or the men or women your age, but the reason you don’t have your true partner isn’t about any of those things. The answer for your loneliness is unconscious and, since you can’t see your unconscious, you can start by looking at your actions.
There is a quote in the Hindu text, The Upanishads that says, “As your deepest driving desire is, so is your will, as your will is, so is your deed, as your deed is, so is your destiny.” The deepest driving desire is unconscious (cause) mirroring your results (effect). If your current result is being alone and single, than your deep unconscious desire is supporting staying single for some reason.
Here is an example: If you have a fear of heartache, your deepest driving desire may be to keep you safe. If you associate love with pain, no matter how hard you try, safety will trump any potential for a real romance because your unconscious deems love as dangerous territory. The unconscious mind is always moving you from pain to pleasure.
These protective mechanisms of the ego are not bad. Having a strong ego served you when you were younger and was important for your survival and strong state of mind. Now that you are older, understanding the ego’s defenses can help you bring them to light, so you can transcend the ego and move toward a higher desire based on love instead of fear.
There is no need to remove, heal or clear these unconscious beliefs. If you attempt to go about correcting yourself that way, you will be focusing on the past, making yourself wrong and actually giving more focus and energy to what you don’t want. You will also build more walls around your heart. Here’s an insight for you: You cannot get rid of belief, you can only outgrow it in consciousness.
You don’t need to do any fancy tricks. Look at your results and then the actions that led to that result. Your every day deeds are showing you what you believe in and what you are committed to in life. You will notice where you are resisting and that is exactly pointing to the fear that is keeping you from love.
There is a famous quote about going on the path of least resistance, but that will only keep you in your comfort zone. Resistance is there to warn you that you are moving into new territory. If you have been single for a long time or never had a good relationship, resistance is a sign you are moving into the right direction. You are moving toward a new experience of love.
How committed you are to finding love depends on how you deal with resistance. If you back off and have excuses every time things are a little tough or don’t go your way, then your fear is bigger than your certainty that love is on the other side.
By stepping outside of that comfort bubble, whether it is speaking up for yourself, stop going for people who don’t treat you well, hiring a coach or mentor that demonstrates your commitment to changing your life, going out socially or even the act of posting a profile online, you will start changing your deepest driving desire from keeping you single to moving you toward love as long as you keep going forward, even in the face of resistance and challenges.
The sad news is that most of the world stays in their comfort bubble. They like to focus on their limitations and make excuses for not having the things they want in life. They blame outside forces and remain victims. But, that isn’t you.
Here are some ways your actions can show your commitment to love:
When you speak of love, you speak with certainty and positive expectation.
You place yourself in the world to be open for the one to find you (especially if it feels uncomfortable).
You do whatever it takes to understand yourself, so you can be the best you in the relationship before you meet your ideal person.
You remain hopeful in the face of adversity.
You refuse to accept failure as an option in finding true love.
How committed are you to finding your true love? Look at your actions this past week and see if your deepest driving desire is driving your thoughts, feelings and actions to withdraw rather than go for it. Also, what is the quality of your actions? Are you throwing things out there half way or are you really committed to making it work?
The only caveat here is to not try too hard. If you overdo it and put too much pressure on yourself, you will get the opposite result. So, taking action with certainty that what you want is coming to you will release the pressure and desperation for a result.
The key is, like every great relationship, not too tight, not too loose. This committed practice of action aligned with the mind of faith will lead you to a lasting love.
More articles by Debi Berndt:
This article was originally posted on YourTango.