By Neil Warner
It can take passive aggressive people years, even lifetimes, to realize the truth about the unintended impact of their behavior on loved ones. When they do, it often comes as a huge blow to see how they have hurt those they loved and maimed the relationships that were “important” to them, while they believed to be acting in a rational way.
They go from saying things like, “There is no way I can accept all this mumbo jumbo of PA… I can’t deal with her complaining, and I think I have little to do with it. Why can’t she shut up, appreciate what I give to her and live normally like other women do?”
To: “I have been married for 17 years and apparently slowly torturing my wife for all of them.”
It can be shocking, depressing, frightening for the husband to see his actions and their consequences there in front of him. However, even after he realizes these hard facts, his partner definitely don’t want his healing process to stop with “You’re passive aggressive” and then leave him hanging. Nothing will ever change that way, and it may get even worse! The partner of a passive aggressive man should know that it’s important that they remind him about the resources he has to have a better insight and stop his own passive aggression.
He needs to not only see his behaviors, and the consequences, but look beyond them to the solutions that can help his relationships recover. Think of it as a broken bone. First, you have to help the person see that their body is injured. Once they feel that pain and realize where it comes from, they’ll want to heal and feel better! But they may need ideas about where the hospital and doctors are. They may need someone to lean on while they limp to recovery, too!
Although he may see his problem and want to solve it, he may also think, “I can’t afford to help myself!” We’re not suggesting expensive therapy as the one-stop, solve-all solution. Often, the best kind of foundation for healing will come from sitting down with himself and implementing strategies that make him look hard at his past and his childhood experiences. In many ways, real change is more like going to boot camp than therapy!
There are many resources out there for ending passive aggression (from the partner’s perspective). But there are only one or two comprehensive guides for the men themselves. A great one can be found here, at Passive Aggressive System.
Neil Warner is the main “relationship guru,” in his blog where the main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences, focusing now on healing passive aggressive behaviors.
In a new, ground-breaking “Six-Step System,” Neil offers a complete program to identify and change this impact of passive aggression in marriages with love and compassion. When there is emotional abuse, or anger issues or marriage conflict, Neil can provide good support and tools to change behaviors, so anybody can overcome childhood patterns that generate unhealthy relationships and be happier.
Men can also take the Passive Aggressive Test to determine their passive aggressive quotient, removing the current crisis in the home revolving around his question, “Am I passive aggressive?”
Creative Conflict Resolutions.